See that photo?
I hate it. I honestly hate it. I don't want to post it, I don't want to look at it. All I see is how much weight I've gained and how it seems to go straight to my thighs. I love my smile, I love the way James is embracing me but all I see is my bottom half, and how my jeans look way too tight (and these are my "fat" jeans.) (btw I LOVE and Adore the photographer, she's amazing Anna Paschal Photography)
Now, don't tell me "oh you look so pretty, Carla." That's not what this is about. I'm not interested in hearing anyone's comments about my looks. You could tell me all day long comments like that but IF I don't internally believe it, it doesn't matter. People can tell us all day long, good and even great things about us, but if we don't catch it in our heart...it doesn't mean a thing.
Now coming from a girl who has been a variety of pant sizes, some of you may think this is a vain and superficial topic, but it goes much deeper than that. It really comes down to not feeling like I measure up and that my self worth is wrapped in the size of my thighs. It all boils down to self-worth and self-love. We are so good at loving others but hating, and even despising ourselves.
I can't even get on the scale anymore for fear that the number I see will send me into a downward spiral of self-hate and depression. And I'm just not intereseted in playing that game with myself.
I'm not showing up to stay fixated on THINGS THAT REALLY DON'T MATTER!!
Because it comes down to two things:
1. I know full well how to lose weight. I know how to loosen my pants (and I'm not talking about doing squats in them to loosen them.) I'm talking I know how to go down a few pounds. I've done it my whole life. I-know-exactly-what-to-do.
2. I'm not really interested in doing step number 1. I'd rather eat somewhat clean most of the time and eat pizza and drink wine on the weekends. Ummm, ya so there's that.
You know what has changed my mind? ANd I mean, really changed my mind and heart about how I view my shape and size??
It has transformed me from the inside out.
I no longer look at myself the same way.
This may seem totally dumb and maybe even common sense. But I never have tried it until this year.
Beause I was despperate to get set free from my self-hatred of my body shape.
There is head knowledge, and then there is heart knowledge. I needed deep down in my heart to get that my SELF WORTH is NOT based on my appearance.
Are you ready for this?
I started SPEAKING OUT LOUD loving things to myself.
Yup, that's it. I started staring in the mirror and began to LOVE on every part of my body. "thank you thighs for carryng my body, I love your shape. I love that you give me curves."
Yes, may sound dumb. May even sound vain. It's not. It has single-handedly changed my mindset.
It has brought me freedom. Freedom from comparing myself to others and freedom from my own negative self-talk.
It has also released me from eating unnecessarily. I wasn't expecting this change, but yes it has. Somehow me speaking LOVE to myself has helped me fill the void of binge-eating and eating when I'm not hungry.
I feel lighter. I stress less. I am grateful for a simple shift that has created unexpected ridiculous amazing results.
Try it, wont you?
Some of mine go like this:
I believe in my ability to truly love myself for who I am.
I allow myself to feel good being me.
I let go of unhelpful patterns of behavior around food.
I love my body and my body loves me.
I take time to rest and restore.
I am grateful for all my body does for me.
I love my body shape and the beauty it holds.
I forgive my past and embrace the lessons I have learned from it.
I accept my body for the shape I have been blessed with.
You can go on and on, telling yourself so many wonderful things because that is what is TRUE, you are wonderful and beautifully created--no matter the size.
If this touched you in some manner, consider sharing it on social media.