Since I started posting before and afters of my 100 pound weight loss transformation, I have been receiving a lot of comments that say "you were beatiful even before!" Now, I get that I wasn't UGLY with 100 pounds extra on my 5'2" frame, but I definitely WASN'T HEALTHY or living life to the fullest or loving others well. I felt horrible. Mentally and physically I was miserable. And I was way too young to feel that bad and to hate everything about myself.
No one is ugly because they are over weight. In fact there are people who LOVE being overweight. But society tends to make obese people feel like outsiders, and trust me I definitely did when I weight 250 pounds. That doesn't mean anyone is "less than" because they have extra weight. I HATED being so overweight. I think my looks initially sparked my desire to lose weight, but in the end it wasn't about my pants size at all.
Looking good wasn't a good enough reason for me to try to lose weight. I honestly just didn't like who I was. Like, at all.
Who was I at 24?
Harsh and critical to those closest to me. Full of anger and self-loathing. Yelled a lot. Like, A lot, A lot. Horrible attittude and lazy. Completely insecure. Very competitive of other females. Felt the need to prove myself. Emotional binge eater. Worked out consistently but couldn't get a handle on over eating. Loud and obnoxious. Felt very alone and unworthy. Hated being a mom, and felt trapped by my marriage and motherhood. Said whatever came into my head. Didn't care, too much, if I hurt other's feelings. Had a massive chip on my shoulder. Watched television for hours and hours. Spoke to others with a superior attitude. Rarely took responsibility for my actions. Frustrated with not getting the results I craved, and wanted immediate results. Ungrateful for my life. Selfish and self-focused. Used food as my major source of comfort and happiness. Hated my personality and wished I had a different one. Was very jealous of others. Weighed 255 pounds
Who am I at 34?
Can still be harsh and critical to those closest to me, but immediately takes responsibility once aware. Still yells, I mean I talk LOUD, just ask my son. And occasionally loses my cool under stress, but hey I'm working on it! Thankful!! I am So beyond grateful for my life. Accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly that life can bring. Has hope for the future. Loves being a mom, and no longer feels trapped by motherhood. Believes in the power of a good attitude and a genuine apology. Doesn't feel the need to prove myself. Rarely compares herself to other females. Encourages other women to move forward in their lives. Shares her knowledge and lifts up her competition in business. Can at times, still emotionally eat but realizes that every day is a new day to start over and to make a better choice than the one I did the previous day. Fully recognizes that long-lasting change happens with every small daily decision. Happy and content. Accepts who I am, and believes that the future Carla will be an even better version that the one I am today. Has made a commitment to learn from my mistakes. Eats and drinks to nourish my body. Knows how vaulable I am. Believes I was created for a reason and a purpose bigger than myself. Rarely watches tv. Laughs out loud daily and wants nothing more than to give a slight glimmer of hope to others who feel stuck in their lives. Turns to God for comfort, strength and joy. Food no longer holds her hostage. Is honestly LOVING who I am!
The extra weight was a direct result of my inner turmoil. At some point I realized the my food addiction had something to with my heart's state. So I began to work on my inner self. I went to counseling, began journaling and prayerfully asked God to heal me of childhood woundings. I seeked out healing and dove into past pain. Plain and simple, I looked at myself and realized that I need to stare pain in the face and the aftermath is that the weight began to fall off. Making better food choices became easier. I no longer felt completely out of control when it came to food. Was it an overnight thing? Absolutely not!! Long standing heart ache takes a LONG time to sort through. It took me 10 years to lose 100 pounds.
And I don't believe I was ugly at 255 pounds, but I do believe I was stuck. Stuck in a body that I didn't want to be in, and stuck in a mindset that made me miserable. No weight loss journey is easy. Even a 5 pound weight loss goal is hard and challenging. It requires you to do something different, and to make different decisions. But you are able. Do you believe that? I failed countless, COUNTLESS times over the past 10 years. But every day is a chance to start over, and to make better decisions. Those who know me see such a radical change in me even in the past year. The more you focus on healing, the more your life falls into place. I'm a believer in that beause I am living proof of just that. You do not have be who you are today, even one year from today. You do not have to stay where you are, even tomorrow. You have the ability to make a choice to change. Whatever it is that you don't like about yourself or your life...it can change. Your life can change if you have breath in you. You decide who you are, and every day you make the decision to be different or stay the same. It is up to you, my loves.
Stay Tuned for What I've learned about making changes and losing weight in my next post, sign up your email to get every blog post.