I stopped writing this past month. What began as a way to express myself and a hobby of some sort, suddenly seemed like a chore. It felt like just one more thing I had to cross off my to-do list and if I'm being honest with myself...writing in a blog feels downright silly, almost stupid. Like Oooh you are one of those women (insert eye roll.) That feeling is a sure fire way for me to stop doing and start over thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't. Because pouring out your heart on the internet is like walking naked into a room full of everyone you've ever met. SO basically the whole world to be dramatic, and people are staring, dissecting every inch of my imperfect body.
I am not one to really care what other's think. My family says that to me all the time, but underneath is a fragility that not many can see. Sure, I can put on a confident strong persona because I am strong and confident but one word can crush me like a grape underneath a steal toe boot. My heart is that fragile. Because most hearts are that fragile. And most are not willing to just share their heart with just anyone, it really is something to guard. I know from first hand experience that my heart is worth protecting.
Most of us hide in the effort to protect ourselves. And we are good at hiding who we really are to those around us. Most don't want to "go there" or deal with areas in their life that needs improvement. Because underneath all that pretending is a dire need to be accepted. And if people really saw the "real" them they may not ever recover from the rejection that they fear they would face. And that feeling---that one where you don't think you'll ever recover from, is actually a mighty dose of shame. Shame paralyzes us into believing the lie that we are not good enough nor ever will be. Shame is a friend I knew well in my past hiding. Shame will stop me in my tracks time and time again. If you think about it, shame will stop you in your tracks. It's not fear of failing, it's fear that the shame will be too great for us to bare.
I have felt like I have nothing to offer anyone in the form of writing. Like, really who am I? I am just a thirty something wife and mother. What do I have to offer? Nothing but my thoughts, feelings and daily occurrences. That is all. Some may consider it to be ramblings, but I'm hoping that others may see my heart. My real heart--the one that has been bruised and beaten, left for dead and barely pumping. I'm hoping people see that heart.
And as I have wrestled with to write or not to write, I've landed on this one thought. What if just one person is touched by my willingness to share what I struggle with and what I have overcome? What if only one person sees who God really is to me and how He is the same loving Father to them? Could that be worth it? Could it be worth experiencing the temporary feeling of shame in exchange for a heart change in someone else?
And this thought keeps me awake at night...
It takes courage to change hearts.
It takes COURAGE to change hearts.
And I am courageous.
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you"