When self LOVE really isn't love at all
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Monday, May 28, 2018
By Joy & Charley
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It was suppose to be "girl's night" in. The boys were off camping and my daughter and I were left alone for the first time in a long time. I made it special and we invited one of her friend's over to go to the pool and go out to dinner. After her friend left, we cozied up in my bed and fell asleep watching cartoons. I'm always aiming to create memories with my kids. One's that they remember for years to come. And this night was no different, which is exactly why I let her sleep in my bed, which never happens.


It was definitely memorable. I will remember it for years to come. Because two hours after we fell asleep I woke up to the sound of throwing up and realized my daughter was throwing up every where. And yes I was covered in it. Not quite the memories I was hoping to retain.


I thought "oh good" I dodged the bullet because 3 days later I still hadn't gotten the stomach bug she had picked up from school. But I had spoken too soon because just one day later I woke up in the middle of the night and knew....I shot straight up in bed and thought NOOOOOO. I knew what was coming. It was fast and furious and took me OUT. I cannot remember being so sick by a stomach flu. I had zero strength and simply couldn't get out of bed for an entire day. I couldn't remember feeling SO BAD in years. It was wretched. It was horrible. It had one silver lining. You lose a few pounds. YESSS!


Side Note: I would rather get the stomach flu over a cold any day of the week. Call me crazy but colds can last for weeks and even months. Stomach bugs last for 12-24 hours and you lose weight. Duh easy answer!


The next day I woke up and felt fine. Me, being the over-achiever, that I am, dove straight back into full force work mode. I can hardly stand sitting around for an entire day. I always feel like I have SO MUCH to do. I cleaned, I caught up on emails. I went and sat in the sauna for an hour to fascia blast (that's another blog entirely.) I did an hour of weight lifting in my favorite body pump class. Then my sister called and asked if I wanted to go walk a few miles. "Sure," I said. "I feel great!"


Except while walking I didn't feel great. I felt weak. I looked pale. In fact, I noticed in body pump that I just didn't have the energy to lift what I normally do. While walking, I  suddenly was light headed and nauseous. I looked at her and said I have to go lay down. I feel horrible. I spent the rest of the day on the couch weak, queasy and with a migraine. I could hardly get up and even had to ask my sister to go pick up my kids from school.


I was dehydrated and hadn't had food for about 36 hours. That with the combination of throwing up so much the day before had taken it's toll on my body. Looking back, it OBVIOUSLY wasn't the best idea of jump back into my mornal routine.


Working out is one of my forms of self-love. I do it for me, and me alone. It makes me happy and clears my mind. I make an effort to work out 4-5 times a week. But working out so hard right after a viscious stomach bug was actually not self-love at all. I didn't honor my body or even listen to it when I was in class. I pushed it further than it wanted to be pushed and suffered the consequence for it.


Self-love is only actual SELF-LOVE when you are doing an action that is GOOD for your body, mind and soul. Self-love can easily turn in self-hate when you don't take the time to LISTEN to your inner self. It boils down to respect and honor. Are you respecting what your body needs? I was clearly NOT honoring what my body needed. I needed REST. I needed to take it easy. I needed to ask others for help, but felt bad for doing so. 


I don't hate myself. I really don't. BUT too often I will put myself last and ignore what I know my body, mind or spirit needs. There are other areas of my life where I do the same thing--I don't honor what my body needs. One area is eating. Am I truly eating when my body says to? No. I'm working on this. I'm working on honoring what I know I need. It isn't always easy. IN fact, at times, it seems selfish. But the truth is...when you don't practice self-love you can't really offer your best self to others. I learned the hard way that I need to be careful and MINDFUL of when my self-love is actually turning into self-hating and doing more damage than good.


Lovely thoughts and a dreary day.





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