I breathe deeply and count to 3.
Here we go again. The kids are hangry and the breakfast dishes are still in the sink. Not to mention hours of homework that needs to be supervised, I sigh just thinking about it. It's after school and I call it the witching hour. Everyone in my house seems to go a little nutty all at once. It makes me want to throw something at the wall in desperation, or just pour a giant glass of wine. Although I don't because I read that drinking wine to pacify your stress is a sign of alcoholism. *SIGH*
I feel it like a giant wave in the ocean. It rises and falls then rises again. Hence the deep breathing and counting of numbers. I can go off kinda easily at this time of day. I'm working on it. Truly I am. In my effort to maintain in control of my emotions, I start multi-tasking and barking orders.
I just want to scream "everyone out!" and clean frantically. But let's face it, that isn't the type of household I'm aiming to conduct. I aim for peace. I aim for a house full of love. I aim to make it to dinner time in one piece. My son has learned to call me out on my shenanigans. "Mom! You are overwhelming me!" I pause for a minute and calmly give one instruction instead of 4. Oh yes, we aren't made to do multiple things at one time. Right.
My husband, bless him, totally understands and recognizes that a messy house will immediately put me in a bad mood. He is a man that desires nothing more than to make me happy and honestly I think I don't deserve him--he's that good to me. He sees past my bad mood and poor relational habits when I'm in this place and does the one thing that makes me feel loved and at peace. He cleans. (other times he let's me brood and calmly sits on the couch playing candy crush while I flap around him.)
I'm not sure when my need to have an orderly environment began, but I don't really see it ending anytime soon. I literally (LITERALLY) feel like I can't breathe when the house is in chaos. Like, how do people even sit on the couch when there are dishes in the sink? That is an honest question. No judgement here. I honestly want to know how someone has the ability to sit and relax in a messy environment? I. Do. Not. Have. It. In. Me.
There is a level of control here that needs to be addressed. I have the NEED to have order and control over my surroundings and anyone that happens to walk into my environment. Control is really the surface level emotion. The deeply rooted, internal freak out when the 'witching hour" begins is fear. Fear rises in the form of being overwhelmed and I freak out, and any sort of mess makes me sweat. Literally sweat. Then yell. I am a sweating, yelling mom in this moment. And I don't like it. I also don't like the hours following when school lets out. The crazy eyed Carla emerges.
My husband says I'm the worst version of myself in this state, and I could not disagree with him here. Hence the deep breathing and counting of numbers. I have found that in order to change I have to recognize that I may not be doing it well in the first place. Call me out. I'm okay with my husband and children calling me out. It sets me straight for at least a minute. Sometimes I have to remove my self from the room and sometimes I just remain silent. Because me not talking is better than me shouting orders. I focus on one thing. And one thing only. Multi-tasking leads me to death. No exaggerating here. I whisper underneath my breathe They are more important. They are more important than a clean house. And remind myself of what exactly I'm grateful for. I am grateful for them. I am grateful for him. Gratefulness, Thanksgiving and Gratitude always set my mind and heart back in order. When you change your focus, you change your perspective. And focusing on what is good, true, pure and lovely lets me Let Go of dishes in the sink and laundry that needs to be folded. Because in the long run, who gives a crap. Not this girl. Truly I don't, but I need the reminder. IN THE MOMENT I need the reminder that this time is short and before long I will be wishing for the storms my children bring in this home, and these are cherished beautifully messy days.