War Zone: When marriage is harder than you think
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Monday, January 07, 2019
By Joy & Charley
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He threw the potato in the sink with such force that it bounced and made a loud CLANGGGG sound. He had just a moment earlier been cool as a cucumber, peeling potatoes for dinner and one word (let's be honest series of words) from me set off a potato meeting it's demise.  I wasn't really prepared for his reaction and immediately my thoughts turned ugly.  Relationships can be that hot and cold. One minute thriving, and the next one of you wants to head for the door. Our words seem to build on each other.


Do you know what the absolute worst thing is?


Being miserably married.


It sucks. Absolutely sucks. It's depressing and makes you wish you were still single. 


I lived that life for close to ten years in my first marriage. I can remember sitting in my car after a long day working and wishing I was still working. I didn't like who I was in his presence. I became the worst version of myself. I didn't like being around him--- not even for a minute. That's how bad it got. I dreamt of being with someone else..anyone else. I hate to say that, but I did.


And I wished the days away. Instead of working on areas were I could improve, I harbored on all the bad that he brought into my life. Nothing was good enough. I only saw the bad and the ugly in him. And I'm pretty sure he only saw the horrible and ugly in me. We were a toxic merry-go-round, neither one of us willing to get off. I had a daily internal dialogue with myself that only added to the toxicity level. 


Our thoughts are t-h-a-t destructive. Our thoughts dictate our actions. And you know where ugly thoughts begin?


In our heart.


Our heart's always tells the truth. Because every thought and every action comes right up out of our hearts. Our heart can't lie.


And when I was in that miserable life-sucking marriage for ten years, I couldn't see that. I am now divorced and trust me things look a lot more clear. I could not see all the toxic that was in my heart, creating havoc in my life. Because when we are IN the situation it is nearly impossible to see our part in adding to the dysfunction. We become the victim. We are the victim. It is easy to blame everyone else for our misery and not take any responsibility. 


But what if we stepped back and asked God to show us our heart---like our real heart? Even if we are being mis-treated, there are still things that we can take responsibility for. All those things that we buried deep down in it. What if our heart was healed and no longer bleeding out?  Would that change our perspective?


And I'm re-married to the love of my life and REFUSE to make the same mistakes. ABSOLUTELY REFUSE! I am constantly looking inward to see where I need a heart altering. Because a real heart change ALWAYS changes our perspective, even when things are bad. Even when life is hell, a fresh heart can bleed new life into even the most dire situation. It may or may not change our circumstance but it most definitely will affect our perspective about said circumstance. A true heart change allows the light to shine from within and J-O-Y floods back in all the dark places.


So what can you do if your in a miserable marriage? Work on yourself. Go to counseling on your own. Deal with your own issues. Become the spouse that you know your partner would appreciate. Take out the trash, quite literally. Clean the house. Give until your have nothing and give some more. And maybe most importantly keep a gratitude journal on your spouse and write in it every day! Every. Single. Day. Remember what is good and dwell on those thoughts. It might not be an overnight change, but change will happen. I promise. 


From my heart to yours,




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