Christmas snuck up on me this year. Seriously! Where did fall go?
I love the bustle and hustle of the season. I love all the yummy goodies that I only partake in during the holidays. I love all the extra working out to work off all the extra cookies. This is sarcasim at it's finest.
I really only LOVE one kind of workout. After years and years of running on treadmills, step classes and trainers, I can honestly say that I found my soul mate work out. Ya know, that kind where it just doesn't feel like working out and you actually look forward to doing it. That almost sounds too good to be true. But for me an hour long weight lifting class is just the magic I need. I adore a Les Mills class called Body Pump. Love it, love it and more love for it. It's good for my brain, heart and body..it's a win-win.
There's only one problem with attending this workout class or any workout class for that matter. From the minute (and I mean the second) I walk into this class I look at every single female in the room and compare my body to theirs. The second I set up my spot, and have a minute to stare in the big wall of mirrors in front of me, I start comparing. Who has skinnier thighs than me, who has a flatter stomach, who overall looks thinner than the week before. I'm judging, critiquing and just plain staring. The room is a massive blank space with nothing but mirrors on every single wall. I mean, come on! I have nothing to look at. I either look completely vain and stare at myself or I look at everyone else.
I end up staring at both. First it's my own body. Am I having a skinny day or fat day? How much is my stomach protruding out? How large are my thighs today? I seriously go through a laundry list of critiques. I then stare directly at what I view is the thorn in my side since I was a kid...my overly plump thighs. You see, I am half hispanic, and large hips and curvy thighs are straight up from my DNA. I am definitely a pear shape. Smaller waist and larger butt. My sister always says..."OMG, Carla, people PAY to have curves!" When I gain weight...ya it goes straight to my hips. I specifically gain weight right at the outer edge of my thighs...like they come to a point. I stare, and stare and stare.
My thighs have always been a source of contention for me. I have such vivid memories of being 12 at the swimming pool and being so self-conscious about my thighs. I was teased often about their shape from such an early age that my vision goes straight to them anytime I look in a full length mirror. Man, kids can be so cruel. It's funny how joking around can honestly just stab your heart as a child. And even as an adult the pain still lingers.
It's December, and I have gained 10 pounds since April.
This is such a hard thing for me to accept. I mean, the holidays are in full swing and I've begun them already heavier.
If you have read any of my past blogs, I often speak of losing 100 pounds naturally over the last 10 years. You may say, well 10 pounds is not that big of a deal. But to me, it is. I have such a hard time accepting myself when I fail, and gangin 10 pounds is definitely failing for me. But let's be honest...I have a hard time accepting myself at all. And it doesn't matter what size I am or how much I weigh. I don't accept myself as good enough. Period. End of story.
It has taken me so long to realize this. And the realization that I have never fully accepted who I am has been like a dunk in a freezing cold pool. Kinda shocking to my system and paralyzing all at the same time. At first I didn't believe it to be true. I thought ya of course I love who I am! I love my body shape! I love my curves! But my over critical thoughts, high anxiety and constant comparing led me to believe otherwise. I'm not sure I've ever fully accepted myself. I've had to really do a lot of soul searching and habit changing since the day I made this realization. 2017 has been a year of self examination.
You many be thinking to yourself, Man all she does is right about how much she hates herself! Well, I'm just saying out loud what most females are thinking. We are our own worse enemy. We sabotage our bodies and our relationships the most. We prevent our own selves from moving forward with the messages we relay to OURSELVES in OUR OWN BRAIN. I'm going to call you out here because I know this to be true. There is SOMETHING that you beat yourself up about...it may not be your thigh size, but it's SOMETHING! We have to STOP THE COMPARISON GAME! Comparisons are killing us and stealing all joy.
Because here's what I've noticed...when I'm standing in my knickers, alone in my bathroom, I actually admire my curves and thighs. I'm like "Ya girl, look at how beautiful you are!" Ok, I'm kidding! I couldn't give up my weight lifting class if I tried. But NO more looking in the mirror during group fitness classes. I am who I am. Today I accept that. I accept the cellulite, the stretch marks and that fact that my pants will always fit more snugly around my thighs. I am changing my mind set. I am speaking OUT LOUD loving messages to myself. Have you every tried this? It is life changing!
I am making sure that today I am doing the best at feeling my best with both what I eat and what I say to myself. I am choosing LOVE instead of hate. I choose the extra santa cookie! Comparisons are not going to steal one more thing from me. The world needs each one of use to love ourselves a little better every day. Wouldn't it be amazing if we all walked around basked in self love? Man, I think this world would be a different place!
What is something you do to love yourself?