I was watching this tv show that featured a group of friends that went deep into the amazon searching for gold. They were treasure hunters, they lived and breathed for it. They had no guide to show them where to go, and had minimal supplies. Three males and one female made up the small group, and the camera asked the only female how she felt about being the only female on an excursion into the unknown into a place that swallows people whole. She laughed and said how she loved these kind of trips and how she lives for not knowing. It made her feel alive and she looks forward to her journey, even if the amazon spits her out. Her only hesitation was babysitting the other three males, but she was completely cofident in her survival skills and felt prepared mentally and physically for the journey.
I sat and watched her and thought She is freaking crazy, you couldn't pay me to enter into the amazon on an unknown journey with no map and no guide with no end date. And she is SO EXCITED about not knowing. It seems so foreign to me. That whole excited for the unkown---I want to know what's going to happen, or least be prepared for the worst. I WANT TO KNOW how the story plays out. I WANT TO KNOW if I'll be ok. Even if I won't be ok, I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
And that's the thing....she felt 100% sure she was going to be ok, and even better for having experienced it. Maybe it boils down to perspective. I, on the other hand, would be fearing the worst case scenario and not enjoying one single second of the journey. She would be living in the moment, and I would be dreading the future what if's. There is something to be said about that. And it's definitely something I want to change.
Because I am going to be really honest right now. I'm scared of the future. I am. I hate to even type that but looking ahead into a series of question marks around what the future looks like, scares my pants off. Right now I am in the middle of realizing one chapter of my life is coming to a close. I feel it so deep in me. I have even began dreading this part of me where in the past I have loved and cherished it. It's as if someone turned off a switch in me; I just can't explain it. I can foresee it before it's even there. And I keep thinking...what is going to replace this? Because I know that SOMETHING will replace it, I Just have no clue what or how.
And this isn't something that I take lightly. The change will dramaticall affect my family and my lifestyle. I have been comfortable in this place for over a decade and the not-knowing part is drving me crazy.
Just this morning I cried out to God and asked him to give me peace and a glimpse of what my future looks like because guess why? I'm scared to not know. Can you give me nugget, God? Something?
But I hear nothing.
So often we have to take a step of faith into the unknown, without any questions answered, without any knowledge and just step out. It's as if the universe is waiting on us to take action before the rest can be laid out on the table. Maybe it comes down to trusting. I hate this place. I hate having to take a step of faith out. It makes my bones hurt and I'm almost positive this gray hair I found the other day is a direct result of it.
But here I am. I have done it. I have began to take those baby steps out onto the water, believing, hoping and trusting my gut. So when panic sets in and I hear alarm bells ringing in my head, I stop and mediate on the fact that I have done this before. I have been in this place of not-knowing how things are going to work out many, many times. It will be ok. I will be ok. God is with me. I think if this lone woman in a group of men out in the amazon facing terrifying creatures and possible starvation. I rememeber the joy on her face and think, I, too can enjoy the journey with a smile and walk blindly into my unknown.