I'm not sure I will ever "get" it. Like truly in my heart get the fact that I'm fine just the way I am.
I try and try to "talk" myself into accepting all of me, like every single little nugget of me. But more times than not, I fall short. Something could always be better.
I am my worse enemy. I am my hardest critic. I hear all the time "if you had never..." and I live for a moment in past regrets.
The what-a, could've, should've is a LOUD voice and so often I want to drown my sorrows in a waist deep pool of guacamole and eat my weight in chips and the gorgeous green slime I call "green crack." Don't judge me, I'm Mexican. My head voice at times drowns out the logic, and just this morning I found myself wasting two hours sitting on the couch, pretending to be doing something productive but really scrolling through Instagram like my life depended on it.
I despise these kind of moments. I despise "pretending" to do something worthwhile, but in reality I am w-a-s-t-i-n-g time. Time is precious and magical and mythical. Not really the last two, but it is precious and something we can't get back. It is gone in a flash and then drags ooonnnn when you are in the waiting game of life.
And that's where I find myself this morning. In the waiting game of life. I keep expecting, with one eye half open, for life to start back up, like a sitcom that just came back from a commercial break. All the characters moving with the story line, and yet here I still sit. Waiting.
Waiting on what you say? I'm not even sure to be entirely truthful. All I know is I felt like I was suppose to give up something that I held dearly and tightly to my chest, in a blind obedience to the One who tells the sun when to shine. I was asked to give up my need to be self-sufficient. And that is maybe the hardest thing I have ever done. Because I pride myself on being self-sufficient. I pride myself on my work ethic and drive to be better. It. is. who. I. am.
I pride myself on being that version of Carla. My whole identity has rest on it and in it.
I am the do-it better person. I am a striver and high achiever. I don't back down, nor do I give up the fight.
God whispers Just as you are, Carla. No doing, no striving, no aiming to be better. Just sit a while with me and Just Be.
I'm learning to Just Be people, and as foreign as that sounds, it may be where life finally truly begins. In fact, I KNOW it is where life beings and the waiting is finally over. Because my definition of waiting, is NOT God's definition of waiting. And maybe for the first time, I let him do the heavy lifting and I stay close to His side. Because when it's all said and done, the waiting game of life is really a tug of war in my heart. To Trust or Not to Trust?
And I'm excited to see how this plays out without me doing anything.
(And if this touches you in some manner, consider sharing it. Peace and blessings.)