I couldn't and then I did
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Friday, May 19, 2017
By Charley
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We had just moved back to NC from a Chicago suburb, my small little family was in a transition period. We had just left city living with promises of a slower pace and a familiar city. My fast paced city makeup job had come to an end, and I thought now what? We moved into a tiny little ranch style house, a house WAY out in the country, which honestly was my worst nightmare -the country part- and vividly I can recall the exact moment I wanted to start a blog. It was 2009, my son was 3 years old and I felt the intense desire to write. I pondered this idea in my head for a while, and decided that Yes! I could blog, and I could even make some makeup or hair tutorials (this was when youtube was really starting with tutorials.) I remember staring out of the master bathroom window staring at nothing but trees and saying to myself Yup! I want to do this! 

 

I don't really think when I decide to do something, I just do. It can be a gift and it can be a curse.  I filmed a few makeup tutorials. I wrote down blog topics. I even thought of a blog name. But I couldn't pull the trigger. Everything I wrote and filmed remained unseen, which resulted in taking up way to much memory on my hard drive. I made minimal attempts at blogging, as if to show myself..see you are making an effort and it's just not working. I am good at making small attempts then convincing myself that it wasn't menat to be.

 

 I thought well if someone else believes in me than I will try harder. My, at the time, husband passive aggressively mocked my idea. He was joking, but my fragile state of mind and heart couldn't handle the playful banter. Sometimes people (myself included) don't realize just how deep joking around can cut already broken hearts. So I did nothing, and life went on.

 

Fast forward three years, I still had this burning desire to blog. To write and to share my beauty knowledge. But everywhere I turned there were blogs popping up. And I HATED HOW SELF-OBSESSED BLOGGERS SEEMED. I did not want to be "one of them." Yes, I know that NOT ALL BLOGGERS ARE SELF-OBSESSED, and yes I know i am judging people I don't even know. But I aim to be honest, so honestly that's how I thought at the time. I couldn't be one of them. 

 

A few years later I have a thriving hair and makeup business in my town, and since I work with brides and was receiving all these beautiful images, it made sense to add a blog section to my hair and makeup website. A real reason to start a blog and to show off my work! YESS!! I jumped right in and started showcasing my hair and makeup skills with my current brides. But after just a couple entries, I just couldn't find the desire to do it. Honestly I made ZERO time to work on it. The thought of writing about girl's love story's made my heart sink. I had NO DESIRE TO BLOG ABOUT IT. NONE. I couldn't write about a topic that made my heart hurt. Love was not something I could write about when I so greived my own lack of love in my own marriage. So I did nothing. 

 

Over my hair and makeup career, so many people have told me to blog. Wedding vendors in the industry told me to blog. Friends told me to blog. I even had clients who told me all the time, "oh you should so start a blog for hair and makeup tricks!" Um, ya no. Not doing it. I ignored every single one of them.

 

Because the truth was..I had nothing left to give anyone. I was in such a life-sucking, toxic marriage that I had nothing to give to a blog. I was in a ten year relationship, in which my mom said I had changed so much to make work, that she didn't even recognize me, that I had no energy for anything else. I could hardly manage my children, my career, and keeping the boat steady at home. It took me getting the hell out of dodge for me to realize just why I couldn't blog for so long. You cannot help heal others when you yourself needs healing. 

 

And as my heart and soul started healing, a familiar desire started rising up in me.  "OK, I do want to start a blog." One thing was different this time, I just didn't want to do it alone. I wanted someone along with me, who had the same purpose and vision. I asked 5, yes FIVE different people that I know in my life who all have the same vision for their lives but different talents and skills and they ALL SAID NO. They all said no. T

 

Nothing frustrates me more than when you are hot to trot and no one wants to jump in with you. Hello? the pool is warm, let's all get in! But no, guess I'm going swimming by myself.  I asked God to help me and to give me strength to do it alone. Help me dive through all these feelings of insecurity, help me to see your plan. And while moving to a new city, and getting married (to the LOVE OF my life!) I heard a small whisper that said "now is the time."  And I was ready. I was prepped and I obeyed. And I started alone, and was totally ok that I was alone. 

 

The last 5 months I have been consistently pouring out my heart on my hair and makeup website. I have refused to not try. I have learned things I didn't know were possible for me to learn. I have been trying my hardest. And right around Christmas I had a glorious thought! What if my sister, who is immensely talented but oh so different from me, wanted to join me on this journey?? And after, surprisingly, no arm twisting she agreed! And the birth of JOY AND CHARLEY began. Because God, in His perfect timing, allows us to be on our crazy train and than can re-direct us to His perfect path-a path that is WAY EASIER. 

 

Here's the truth...we all have burning desires in our hearts. All of us. Not one of us remains untouched. And you know why? Because we are all created for a purpose, and sometimes life gets in the way. The messy house, the life-sucking relationship or job, and sometimes--most of the time--it's ourselves. I couldn't write because of my own woundings, I couldn't write because of an ex-husband who mocked my dreams, I couldn't write because of fear of what others would think. I couldn't and didn't want to do this for Oh So Many Reasons, but the truth is that we will never get where we want and the dreams that are in our heart by doing NOTHING. Time will still tick by, and the world will still keep revolving. There are those that choose the life they want, and there are those that ride the crazy train called life and end up feeling crazy.

 

And here's some more truth....that thing, that idea that has been in your heart and mind for days- no months- or in my case 8 years, you should go do it. Close the browser and just do it. Don't think. Do. See what is in store for you. It is never a straight path. It always is a winding, mountainous road, and it's the road that leads you to your purpose. I couldn't, and then I did. And you can too!

 

Amen and amen!

xo 

Charley

I couldn't and then I did

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