He speaks and I can't hear him.
Well that isn't entirely true.
So let's start again. My husband speaks to me and I have NO IDEA WHAT HE IS SAYING. And he would say the same thing about me. No earthly idea.
I just don't understand the words coming out of his mouth. I mean we speak the same language, but I have absolutely no idea how to UNDERSTAND the meaning behind what he says.
Take a recent argument.
Me: "What do you want to do tonight?" As I drive the hour commute home at the end of a long Saturday work day.
Him: "I haven't thought about it."
Me: "Ok, can you think about it? What do you want for dinner?"
Him: "I haven't thought about that either."
Me: exasperated..."Can you think about it, please?"
Him: "Well, the Iowa game is on."
Me: "Okay, do you want to go watch it somewhere?"
Him: "It's on our tv at home."
Me: "Well, you know I get re-energized by being around people."
Him: exasperated...."Yes, I know you are re-energized by being around people. What does that have to do with the Iowa game?"
Me: "OMG, never mind. I'm coming home."
Him: "WHHHHYYYY is this an argument?"
Me: "This isn't an argument. Why are you making it one?"
Him: Long and loud SIGH.
This my friends is an exact conversation between me and my husband . And you know what? It actually DID turn into an argument. Because at times WE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.
It's fascinating and Oh, so frustrating. At times during a heated discussion I have literally wanted the floor to swallow me whole because trying to get him to see my point of view just seems too overwhelming and quite pointless to say the least. I just want to feel HEARD!
He just wants the conversation to be OVER. And around and around we go. Me repeating the same thing hoping he'll catch on at some point and him believing that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.
And after two years of having the EXACT SAME argument we finally settled on an agreement.
Neither one of us has to be "right." There is no "right person" here. It is two people trying to make it through life t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r. We are FOR EACH OTHER. So here is what we settled on...
1. We need to look at each other as we discuss these type of conversations. Yes, as in drop what we are doing and look up at the other person.
2. We need to re-peat out loud what we think we heard and ask for clarification when we don't understand.
3. We need to drop the emotions. Nothing good stems from being over-dramatic.
4. The quicker we are to LOVE each other, the quicker the disagreement will reach a resolution. Loving each other requires listening ears and dropping the need to be "right."
Separately I need to be more direct with my desires, and he needs to show a little more patience. Have we mastered the art of fighting? No, hardly at all. But we definitely recognize that conflict is a part of marriage but non-the-less we are on the same team with the same goals. We both have the desire to love each other better, it just isn't always demonstrated in the heat of a moment. So next time (hopefully) we both will pause, take a deep breathe and intently attempt to understand the words coming out of the other person's mouth. Only time will tell but practice makes perfect and the making up part well, it's kinda fun.