We had separated five times in ten years of marriage, three times with lawyers. For the entirety of my marriage I felt the need to squirrel away money, a "just in case" fund that I hid in a tampon box. It was a volatile relationship that often left me wondering what my future might look like, uncertainty was a friend I knew well. Day to day I walked on broken glass, wishing and praying that somehow I would be set free and put on solid ground.
And the anxiety. Oh the anxiety consumed me. It was exhausting and my mind was tormented with thoughts of the unknown. How would I take care of myself? How would I take care of my kids if I was on my own? How could I afford to live? All these questions and "what if's" were nails on a chalkboard, and I heard it daily FOR YEARS. And all that wondering made me question God's goodness. I really believed that I was on my own, and left to a life of struggling alone. God seemed far off and standing back at a distance.
I felt the need to provide for myself because if God wasn't intervening in this situation that I guess I truly was on my own. I became a workaholic in an effort and attempt to provide for myself and children, should I need to. I scrimped and saved and when my life finally imploded on itself and I realized that my worst nightmare would come true...that I would be soon divorced and on my own, what once was just fear became my reality. My marriage was over and I would have to not only fight a lengthy and costly legal battle but I would have to pay for everything I needed to survive. That desire to be self-sufficient ran deep, but I soon realized no amount of squirreling away would cover my impending expenses.
It was beyond scary to stare into my future with BIG ??????????
But as I started walking out in faith, believing and hoping that God was indeed with me an incredible thing happened.
I had peace.
I no longer felt tormented with thoughts of doubt and fear. I felt completely and utterly peaceful. And I realized that I was insufficient but God WAS SUFFICIENT.
Because God spoke to my heart. He whispered I am here.
And not only did he say he was near, he went above and beyond to provide for me. He gave me just enough money to provide for every bill, need and even want. I always somehow managed to have just enough money, ALWAYS. He even paid for every single dime of my lawyer bills that ended up totaling over 11K. He showed me which road to take, and had given me every item I would need before I stepped foot outside my house. He was above sufficient. He went before me and answered me even before I asked.
"Before they call I will answer, while they are still speaking I will hear."
And whenever I'm tempted to question all my future unknowns and to do things in my own strength, I remember all the mighty works God has done in my past. He has NEVER failed me and He ALWAYS leads me to a path of freedom--the freedom to let go and Let God do what only He can do.
Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."